A couple of years ago, I lost one of my younger brothers, at that moment I was so sure I would never be able to laugh again, my heart was broken, I knew a part of my life was ripped off by the sudden loss of my brother, and I thought that was it. Fast forward to a couple of years later, I am happy again, I have smiled since then, I have adjusted to his absence not because I don’t miss him but simply because according to Psychologist Sasha Heinz, I have adapted to the reality of not having him in my life anymore. Sasha defined the well-known psychological phenomenon as ‘hedonic adaptation’ sometimes called the ‘hedonic treadmill’, she shared that humans tend to have a ‘set’ level of happiness, or unhappiness, which they return to regardless of major life events, good or bad.

I also remember when we were building our new house, I just could not wait for us to move in, the house felt like a hotel, I was always mesmerized each time I visited the site and when we eventually moved in I simply enjoyed every single feeling of living in it but fast forward to five years after living in it, the house is still beautiful, but the magic is gone and now thinking of hedonic adaptation. I sincerely believe that it does happen. It is not a matter of not being grateful or taking things for granted; it is the human nature of us, confirming that the thrill of events does not last. Dr Heidi Halvorson – another Psychologist also confirmed that no matter how good something makes us feel (or, for the record, how bad), most of the time we drift back to where we started, emotionally-speaking. So, whether it is that sad news or the very joyful news that took our breath away..we will surely go back to our normal eventually.

However, I am happy that after recently visiting a country and seeing the hard living conditions of the place, as soon as I stepped my feet back into our house. I fell totally in love again with it. I appreciated the fact that I have a place to call mine.

So, ask yourself, are there things in your life, that you need to resuscitate your love for? You may need to take a gratitude journey somewhere and let that brighten your level of appreciation again, or possibly you may need to check the influence of others on you, and probably you are beginning to find yourself in the rat race of competition, e.g. through social media, or maybe, just maybe you are in the attitude of rushing your happiness euphoria…you can actually spread it out, when you buy that blouse… don’t rush to wear it this week…wait until next week perhaps:)

I am glad that my deep pain for the loss of my brother has lessened; however, I know that on his birthday or at special family occasions, I do miss him, but I also know that he is up there looking down and cheering me on to keep smiling and living for him.

Wherever you are on the journey of life, and you need someone to walk through life with you, then call on us at New Beginnings Barrie Psychotherapy & Counselling.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling Services. Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456

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There is one thing I love and also hate about my husband of over two decades, and that is his ability to make me smile even when I am dead set angry at him. He finds a way of injecting humour into every situation, even right there amid a very serious argument, while I am still seething in anger and planning my next move to get back at him. Then he says or does something, and that brings a smile to my face and crumbles the wall of resentment that I was trying so hard to erect against him. People wonder if we ever fight and I ask myself, how do I get mad at this guy that finds a way of melting my heart, even in the midst of conflicts?

While getting myself ready for a session that borders on conflict resolution skills, I was reminded of humour being one of the skills that one can make use of to resolve conflicts within a relationship creatively and this brought to mind my very own relationship and the real benefits of humour.

So, my next question is, when was the last time you laughingly ended a fight with your partner without letting it escalate further? Humour opens our eyes to a lot of good things in life; it makes us feel light and also confirms that life is what we make of it. Conflicts will arise, and your hubby will feel like a jerk sometimes. But be truthful..you will hate yourself for some things you did or said, but then after reviewing the situation, you should try to make light of the situation and apologize jokingly. Try using humour to strengthen your relationships. As a therapist, sometimes I inject humour into my sessions depending on the circumstances, most times I realize this in a way help to build rapport and trust between us and some of my clients feel relaxed even from their very first session with me. So, if you think you need to talk to someone, do feel free to give us a call at New Beginnings Barrie, we will be glad to help you smile again even amidst your pain and walk the journey with you.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling Services. Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456

Photo by Hybrid @artbyhybrid

I could not take my eyes off them, they were practically drooling all over each other, the gentleman was lovingly holding onto the woman’s hands, and right there in the middle of the street, these lovebirds were hugging and kissing at every slightest moment. It felt like a script straight from a love novel. You know the kind of love Richard Gere had for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. They both seemed forever happy.

I wonder if they do fight about who will take the kids to the next soccer practice or who will load the next dishwasher, do they even argue at all? They seemed so perfectly in love.

So many questions went through my mind just by looking at them but having been married for over two decades and being a Couples Therapist, I know that conflict is indeed a part of relationships in general, once in a while conflict will rear its ugly head even in this seemingly perfect relationship.

Murray Bowen shares that unfinished emotional business sometimes stays with us, making us vulnerable to repeat conflicts we never worked out with our families. So, in short, fights are inevitable in a relationship, sometimes, some baggage of conflicts that we checked into our marriage with us, or new patterns of behaviour that our partners are not comfortable with, peradventure, right there in the midst of our lovey-dovey lives, some conflicts will erupt like volcanoes but then do we fight fair?

How do you resolve conflicts in your relationships constructively and not destructively? How do you forgive and start over again? How can you learn to listen attentively to respond and not to react? And finally, how do you both learn to love and trust again?

If you are struggling in your relationship or conflicts seem to be the norm nowadays in your relationship, and you will like to be assisted in learning how to identify the different attachment struggles in your relationship, perhaps you want to know how to speak to each other in love amidst the anger or how to facilitate better ways of relating lovingly to each other. Then call on us at New Beginnings Barrie, and we will be glad to walk the journey with you and your spouse.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling services. Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456
Image by: Unsplash

Have you been a little secretive lately?

Have you recently changed your password to deny your spouse access to your phone?

Or perhaps you are sensing a fantastic combination of pure bliss and peace and a beautiful smile forms on your lips as you remember your last conversation with her. The guilty feelings are quickly washed away as you look forward to hearing from that lady at your office who gets you more than your wife.

My next question is, who else do you open up to apart from your spouse?

An emotional affair can be deceiving, most times you justify the need to bond emotionally with a co-worker other than your spouse just because they don’t question you, they understand you… you may even unintentionally start to become sexually attracted to the person, and begin to look forward to hearing from him/her.

In marriage, discussing with your spouse issues of the heart is in order, but bonding emotionally with someone else apart from your spouse may inadvertently hurt your relationship and evoke some troubles.

Sue Johnson – the originator of Emotionally Focussed Therapy (EFT), contends that humans are hardwired for connection and bonding. When that bond is broken, the relationship is vulnerable to infidelity.

Do you feel you may have inadvertently allowed someone else intrude your innermost thoughts apart from your spouse? Be rest assured that affairs do occur in happy marriages as well. That innocent encounter with a former boyfriend may turn into an affair if boundaries are not put in place.

So do you want things straightened out between you and your spouse?

Are you suffering from the emotional bond outside of your marriage and want to straighten things out?

We can help. Reach out to us whether it is an emotional affair, sexual affair, or even a one night stand. We can help you, and your spouse forgive each other, build trust again in the relationship, process issues together, move on and start all over again. We will engage in active listening, display empathy towards you both and maintain a non-judgemental stance.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling Services. Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456

Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels

The measuring scale in our bathroom displayed 70.5kg, and I jumped up with so much joy seeing the new result. My heart was full because I had finally managed to cross over into the ’70s and this time around, I made up my mind to keep working at it. I would not let work stress, exam anxiety or whatever stress I may face deplete my weight any longer. For the past few weeks, I had hovered under the ’70s. I know some of you will be asking “what’s wrong with this woman?”, Who on earth rejoices when they put on weight? I know it is odd to find people in our world today rejoicing at their new weight, but truthfully speaking, there are people in my shoes who battle with putting on weight.

Growing up in Nigeria, I never really knew the full meaning of “body shaming” but I knew I had so many Aunties and Uncles who unintentionally would “lovingly” scold me to eat more to add more weight, their comments helped to fuel a lot of self-esteem issues in me. “Oh” how I so much wanted to add weight at all cost, how I so much wanted the Iro & Buba – the Nigerian Traditional attire for women to fit perfectly to my shape in those days. Well, they do now thanks to invention.

You see I grew up looking like my father, I’ve always had his slim body shape, and even though some of my friends wished they had my figure, deep down in my heart, I wanted to look well rounded, you know a bit of flesh here and there. In the part of the world where I am from while growing up, the heavier you are, the more respect you garner. Even if you are financially okay, but you don’t have the weight to go with the change in your pocket, they will automatically assume you are someone else.

Not having enough weight bothered me. Every month, my weight fluctuates. I looked forward and prayed to gain just an extra 5kg. Most times I vary between my dress sizes, sometimes I am a size 10, sometimes I can perfectly fit into a size 12 and sometimes especially when I am pregnant. I am a size 14. I remember weeks before I got married, a family friend advised me to drink Guinness stout and raw eggs to gain some weight so that my wedding gown would fit perfectly on me. Truth be told, I drank a bottle of stout mixed with raw eggs once and just could not continue because of the bitter taste and also because of the alcohol content.

So, when did I obtain my freedom? It was when I began to embrace myself. My hubby tried to encourage me, shared with me regularly that he loves my figure, and validates my emotions around my weight fluctuations. But you see words of admiration mean nothing if you don’t accept yourself.

Over time, I looked within me, and I realised I am going to be with myself for the rest of my life. Thus, I started on a journey of self-loving and gratitude, and that led to accepting who I am. I learned to love myself, and I also learned to be grateful for the masterpiece God created. The day that I fell in love with my shape was the beginning of my healing. It was indeed an “aha” moment and a new season for me. For the first time, I stopped wanting to look like someone else and devoted myself to enjoying my shape. Now and then, my weight still fluctuates, but then I wear my size, and I accept it as part of me now. I never let it bother me as it used to. I am finally loving myself.

I don’t know what you are battling with, perhaps you have been body shamed for putting on so much weight, or you are like me checking and checking the scale to see if you can add a little bit more. I want you to know that you are beautiful the way you are. Embrace who you are, exercise if need be but for yourself and to stay healthy not because you are being forced to do it but because you want to live longer and if you feel like talking about it with a therapist. Please go ahead and book an appointment and I would be more than happy to discuss how I may help.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling services. Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456

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We all battle with different day to day activities, some of us are confronted with the daily struggles of juggling work, family engagements, carpools, soccer and basketball practices and PTA meetings.

So, how do you manage stress in your life? The below picture gives you different ideas on what you can do to manage stress effectively in your life. Be intentional about reducing stress in your life and set time aside to pamper yourself. #newbeginningsbarrie #selfcare #stress management

It was getting to the end of winter again and in my family, that time of the year comes with the joyful feeling of March Break and which translates to a week’s holidays for the children. My family takes much joy in vacations; whether we are engaging in road trips or flying, we like to take full advantage of the environment we are in. But this particular year, I had the idea to stay home instead of travelling to another place. I thought we should stay in and have a staycation. I felt lazy. I realised I was thinking of the packing and the number of hours on the road, but also deep down I knew I needed the break. I realized I have been extremely tired lately.

The realization of the need for me to go on our yearly vacation did not register until a few days before the trip, our garage door broke down and I called for a guy to help fix it, while the guy was fixing the garage he asked me to pull out my car, so that he could re-centre the garage door to its proper place. I gladly got into my vehicle, and prior to this I could see the repairman’s vehicle outside my garage door, so I noted the need to be careful while reversing but alas, I drove straight into the car, my radio was on, and I heard the warning signals from my car but I thought I was only getting close to the flower pot in my peripheral view, the next thing I heard was a sound confirming that my bumper had brushed his vehicle. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, but my mind was definitely somewhere else, my thoughts were all over the place, I was physically tired and fatigued, I was multitasking, and my plates had been so full for a while, and it was apparent I needed a break. That was my final sign, a confirmation of the need to engage in self-care.

You may be lucky, perhaps you have not done anything stupid like me, maybe you are on edge already snarling at your kids, or complaining about things you used to enjoy doing, you may find yourself possibly lacking energy…these may be signs that you need to take some time for yourself, to take a rest and engage in self-care. It may be time for that holiday or even a day of rest at home.

Many women feel guilty for engaging in self-care activities, we look at all those piles of clothes to be folded, those dishes to be stacked in the dishwasher – yet we refuse to take a break. What if we were to delegate duties? The world will not crash if you decide to take a day off, the sun will still rise from the East and set in the West even if you chose to go on vacation, because when you decide to pamper yourself, you will regain your sanity back, boost your energy levels back up, you will be more compassionate and understanding towards your family members or the people that you work with and even be more productive and finally, I always tell my clients, you can only give from what you have, if you have nothing left and you are completely drained of energy, then what will you give your children, hubby or colleagues?

As for me I did go on that vacation, I even had a full body massage done and I am back now with more energy and plans to slow down and engage in more self-care activities such as meditation, getting into bed earlier than before, listening to music and not passing by an opportunity to have power naps in the afternoon.

If you want to know more about self-care activities and you feel you are already burnt out, and you need help, reach out to a therapist near you or do contact me at the address below. We all need to refuel and recharge.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, Psychotherapy and Counselling services.
Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456

It was an ordinary day, and I was simply myself a few hours before I received the sad news…I remembered I was so happy that weekend that I danced heartily with my kids in the sitting room but alas a mere couple of hours later while sleeping, the phone rang. Being a light sleeper, I woke up to hearing my hubby talking to my immediate younger brother on the phone. I sat upright on the bed and I could literally hear my heart pounding so hard, it was racing so fast, I knew something was wrong, I could not help it but I was still holding onto the very last string of hope I could find..possibly a miracle, I was still hoping the story would have a happy ending, but alas I heard my hubby mention the truth that my other younger brother had passed on. This was a morning I never wanted to replay in my mind.

I had lost people before, my father died at the age of 80, I still miss him but he needed the rest, I had lost family members but my very own sibling, the one I grew up with, the one that I fought with so many times and also prayed for on multiple occasions..it was devastating. I cried for days, was practically sad and on the day he was to be buried, I was practically not myself – I don’t even want to remember that day…those hours were not pretty.

However I survived, I mourned him bitterly, it took me a while to get over the loss. Some people may berate you, claiming that you are taking forever to get over it and that you should cheer up, it is okay… they mean no harm, if need be, tell them kindly to respect your space.

We grieve differently, accepting the hurt, putting closure to an issue or loss in one’s life differs for each one. I am not ashamed that it took me a long time to get over his loss, I will never get over the pain of losing one of my siblings but I am glad that I am living life differently now, knowing that I have to radically accept (thanks to Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) the fact that he is no more on this side of the planet. I had to move on, I still think of him quite often but not every day anymore and the pain is less now. Have I accepted the fact that he is gone, o yes… I finally did, but it took me a while, but I am glad I am in a better place today thinking about him, writing about him and not breaking down.

Perhaps, you are still mourning the loss of someone or something, please take your time..don’t rush your emotions, it is not a show of weakness to grieve, it is actually a show of strength, feel free to mourn the loss, Queen Elizabeth II once shared that grief is the price we pay for love.

David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross shared the five stages of grief in their book titled “On Grief and Grieving”, and the steps are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. For me… I realised it took me forever to accept finally, some people may actually still be angry right now, some might still be in denial, some may also be depressed…but wherever you are on the stages of grief, please know that one day you will catch a glimpse of that beautiful rainbow of acceptance. I can proudly say that my brother’s death helped to shape my new life now. Today, as a Psychotherapist, I counsel individuals, couples and people that are grieving, and I let them know that I once walked in their shoes, and one blessing that I found out is that the more I help these people, the more I heal. The more I see them smile despite their pains, the more I feel the presence of my brother around me.

If you feel like chatting with someone about what happened, please feel free to send me an email or contact a therapist near you. Talk therapy helps.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina, New Beginnings Barrie, psychotherapy and counselling services. She can be reached at the following address.

Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456