Preventing Sibling Rivalry 

Eighteen years ago, while living in South Africa, I visited a friend’s house with my second child. My friend’s residence was within a gated community, so the security guards asked me to introduce myself before calling her to confirm my visit. Without thinking, I replied as I usually would, “Please tell her it’s Anjie’s mom.” Just moments after I spoke, my six-year-old daughter looked at me and asked, “Mom, why didn’t you say Simi’s mom? You’re my mother, too.”

Those words stung me. She was right – I should have said Simi’s mom, but I was known and called the first by my friends. I immediately apologized to her.

My Nigerian culture dictates that as a mother, you are called by the name of your firstborn. This culture was passed onto some of us, and we accepted it and bore it as a badge of honour. Most of the time, we do not know what this can trigger in some of the children we are raising. 

Some might not be bold enough to ask like my daughter did. 

In therapy sessions, we often inquire about birth order during intake because it sheds light on personality traits, family roles, and life perspectives.

Psychologists researched some of these different family dynamics, and they call it the  “Parental Differential Treatment” or PDT. If care is not taken, it makes one child feel superior to another, sometimes developing into sibling rivalry and giving some children a sense of entitlement over others. In some other children, the middle children or in-between ones or even the last children may feel less loved, and this can further degenerate into mental health problems such as low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. 

That “gate moment” marked—a change in my attitude toward my children.
It highlighted something I hadn’t fully considered: how such a habit could impact my children, potentially leading to feelings of exclusion or resentment in those not named. Up till now, some people still call me Anjie’s mom, but at home, I constantly let all my children know that I love all of them equally. Wherever you may find yourself in the family dynamic—whether feeling like the favoured child or the overlooked one—remember that healing is possible; kindly seek therapy to heal. Therapy can help you work through any past hurts, rebuild self-esteem, and strengthen family bonds.

For parents, it’s essential to pay attention to family dynamics. Encourage unity among your children, foster love between your children, give praise impartially, and consistently show that each child is valued and loved.

Written by Ibukun Ogunsina,
New Beginnings Barrie,
Psychotherapy and Counselling Services.
Website: www.newbeginningsbarrie.com
E-mail: inquiry@newbeginningsbarrie.com
Tel: +1 705 241 8456